Finally Me

Phew…..sigh……ok

 

I’m supposed to be thinking about who I am and what i want to do with my life.  I’m supposed to find my way.

This is the hardest thing I think i have ever done.  How can I find something if I don’t know what to look for?  If I don’t know what to look for, then how will I know where to look?  Better yet, how will i know when I’ve found it?

During those crucial years when most of my peers where out trying new things and finding their own way, I was becoming a mother.  From the minute I learned I was pregnant, my life was no longer than mine.  I had no more hopes, dreams, or desires. Every thought, every action was done for someone else.  Baby bottles replaced wine glasses.  Cosmopolitan no longer showed up in the mailbox, but copies of Parenting and Parents both came.  

Now they are slightly older, and but still young.  I am already concerned about what I will do when they no longer need me.  If ive done my job right, then one day they wont need me anymore.  What does that mean for me?  I don’t work.  I have nothing outside of the kids.  NOTHING.  Litterly they are present for everything, even at times when most people would have privacy like during showers.  If i dont do a kid activity, then I dont do an activity.  Then again, if I could do something What would I do?  

That is the million dollar question.  WHo am I?  WHat do I like?  What do I want to do?

I am so lost, and don’t even know how to find my way back.

I asked him to leave again.

He needs help, and I can’t give him that kind of help. The outbursts are becoming more frequent, and more violent. The kids are getting scared. I am preparing to leave him, but it’s extremely hard. Not just because of emotional reasons, but for every other reason.

I could describe his outbursts, or tell you how many times he spit on me. He even put me in a head lock today. A few days before this, he got made because our 9 month old woke him up. So he threw cups against the wall and broke them at 4 in the morning. My oldest came downstairs, and wanted to know if I was ok. She said she hid the other kids in the closet just in case. She is only 10.

We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed since we moved into the house in September. At first it was because we didn’t have a bed, we were sleeping on the couch. Now that we do have a bed, he doesn’t sleep in it.

We don’t do anything together. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I slapped him the other day. I only did it because I thought he was going after our daughter. So I slapped him in the face with the strength I had never felt before just to make him stop.

This morning Bash tried to tell our daughter not to tell school about what happened with the headlock because then he and I would both go to jail. He was trying to intimidate her. And it worked.

I can’t let this abuse go on. I have worked on myself, because I actually believed that it was my entire fault. I know now that it’s not, and I need to get out, But how. I am not strong enough to physically make him leave, and he is refusing to leave. He has nothing without me. That’s part of the problem; he is too dependent on me to support him.

This isn’t the man I married, he was perfect when we meet. He wouldn’t even curse around me in the beginning. Then we started to have kids, and he stopped taking his medication. I finally convinced him to go back to counseling, but even that was short-lived.

I believe in my wedding vows, and keep telling myself that he is just sick, and that he is truly a good person. In sickness and in health. But how much longer can I go on? At what point does it stop being about his illness, and become abuse? I wish I knew where to go, or someone I could talk to. No one understands.

 

Is it bad to tell…

Is it bad to tell your husband that you hate him?

I told Bash just that. It’s not that I want to hate him; in fact it’s the opposite. I want so badly to love him, but the truth is I just can’t. More times than not I feel like he is unlovable. I don’t know when it started exactly, but I am pretty sure that the feeling has been here for a while.

Today I just reached my breaking point and I had to let it out. In all actuality I do feel better having said it. As the cliché goes, “I feel as if a weight has been lifted”. In my case, I feel like I have broken free from one of the concrete blocks holding me under water.   I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t take it anymore. I absolutely hate the person that lives in my husband’s body. It’s not the same person that I meet and fell in love with.

When I brought this up to his attention, he said that this is who he is, and that the person I meet was the imposter. He was just pretending to be this way. SERIOUSLY!! How am I supposed to take that?

The person that I meet, he was amazing! I thought that I had struck gold when I fell in love with him. Now that person is a mean, vindictive, and selfish person. Even his appearance is different. He went from GQ to a wannabe gangsta.

But it’s really deeply more than his appearance. Our relationship has become like a dump for toxic waste. He calls me vulgar names in front of the kids, and rushes me like he is going to hit me as he threatens me with violence. He knows that it makes me flinch, but does it anyway. He even spits on me and throws things at me.   Most days I feel so low and degraded and embarrassed. Most of the time, the kids are home when these things happen, sometimes they even ask me why he is so mean to me.

The kids aren’t safe from his abuse either. Especially Marie and Paige; He makes fun of Paige and her medical condition even though there is nothing she can do about it.   He constantly picks on them and laughs like a teenager bullying another child. I intervene as much as possible, but that just makes him even madder, but at least it redirects his abuse away from the kids. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I just cry and cry. As much as I hate to admit it, I have even seriously contemplated suicide. I seriously felt that there was no other way to escape.

I was doing great before I meet him. But he has done nothing but brings me down and decreases the quality of my life, and the life of my kids. I know all of this is not solely his fault; I am just as bad for letting it happen. Sometimes I would just go along things because I didn’t want to make him mad. He even goes as far as to tell me that he can understand why my ex-boyfriend would hit me.

The sad thing is that beyond all of that, I still want so bad to be in love with him the way I used to. I want him to be as in love with me the way he used to. Sometimes I sit and wonder what is so wrong with me that I would be in 2 separate relationships, and both of them ended in abuse and intimidation. Maybe he is right and it is my entire fault.

Life is a gray area.

One of the most important things that I hope I taught you is that Life is a Gray Area. Its messy and doesn’t fit neatly into anything. There are very few if any issues that fit neatly into the black and white category. Everything is based upon the situation and the people involved. For instance it’s wrong to commit murder and that is undeniable true. However what if someone was hurting a loved one, say kids perhaps and the only way you could stop it was to kill that person. Is that still wrong, to kill someone in order to save someone else? I can tell you that I am against murder, but at the same time I would absolutely kill anyone if they ever hurt either one of you. That is a definite gray area, and that’s where I live.

I didn’t always live in that gray area. I used to think that life was cut and dry. There was right and moral, and then there was the wrong and evil. I lived like that for many years as a child and into adulthood. Then the bubble my parents (you’re grandparents) tried to raise me in suddenly popped on day. I was devastated, and in disbelief. I seriously think that it contributed to my downward spiral. The spiral that left me with such a huge climb back up.

It wasn’t really my parents fault. They did the best that they know how with what they were given. I was just sheltered a little too much, because I don’t feel like I was ready for the real world. Maybe it was my own fault, and I went into the real world too soon. Who knows, but either way I tried/am trying to prevent that from happening to you. I want you to be informed and prepared for whatever life throws at you. Some people, even you own aunts and uncles, said that you were to young and I shouldn’t tell you those things. I always told you the honest truth in an age appropriate way, and always tried to keep the lines of communication open. I wanted you to know that if ever had a question or doubt about anything, that you could come to me and get an honest answer. It may not be an answer that you like, but it will be as honest and truthful as I know it to be.

Do you remember when your Aunt was having a baby? Marie you came to me and asked me how the baby comes out of her body. This wasn’t the first time that you asked me that question. In fact, Paige had asked before too, I am pretty sure that it started when I was pregnant with your brother. At first I told you that I went to the hospital, fell asleep and when I woke up I had the baby. I know that is not entirely the truth, but Marie you were four years old at the time and Paige was two. When you got a little older and I became pregnant with Rose, you asked again. This time you were six, and four. I gave slightly more detail but still not the complete truth. I told the truth about how the baby gets out the mommies belly after your Aunt had your cousin. Even then I didn’t give too much detail, but said that the baby comes out of your private parts. Marie you were seven and kind of grossed out about it, but never asked about it again. I think that I did the right thing and told you as much truth as I could without giving away too much information.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that she and dad wanted a baby real bad so one night they prayed really hard to God for him to give them a baby and he did. That was it, no explanation no nothing; Just a prayer.   That left me with more questions than answers. I eventually got my answers, but not from the safe confines of my mother. I think I learned about that kind of stuff from TV, and other people.

I’m rambling now, but the whole point I was trying to make is that life is complicated and shady. What you have come to believe as fair and just in one situation, may not necessarily be true the next time.

After we met…

After we met that day at St. Elizabeth’s summer picnic, we didn’t really talk all that much at first. I was trying to play hard to get, and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be in another relationship. It had only been about 6 months since my divorce from Johnny (my first husband) was finalized, and I was still enjoying my new found freedom. I had already been to so many clubs and parties, that I was having the time of my life. I put Chloe and Brooklyn to bed, and then made sure mom didn’t mind listening for them. Chloe was only three, and Brooklyn was just a year. Besides, I didn’t want men to be coming in and out of your lives. I was deeply aware of the possible effects of me dating, but at the same time Chloe and Brooklyn were too young to know what dating was.

The next time I saw Sebastian (Bash), we were double dating with Nate, his friend, and Amber my friend. I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but I think we went to an old neighborhood bar in Germantown called Old Hickory. I had never been there before, but Amber and the guys were regulars.  It was a lot of fun, but I should have heeded the warnings.

Moms thoughts -vs- Childs thoughts on Graduation

I think that most parents can relate to this…….

 

This is what I picture when i think about my daughter graduating.

and this is probable what my daughter thinks of..

Hard to believe……

I still can’t believe it.  What once seemed like such a far destination is now at my door step.  I know that I should be happy and that this is a natural progression of life.  Truthfully i am happy, but at the same time there is a bitter sadness.

My oldest daughter graduates from elementary school tomorrow.  She will soon be embarking on a fantastic journey.  One of self discovery, and a new awareness of the world around her.  There will be so many firsts, and not all of them will be good.  I think she is more ready than I am, but I can’t let her know that.

If I could tell her one thing, or give her only one piece of advice it would be this;  Remember, this too shall pass.    I know sometimes that you are going to feel like it’s the end of the world as you know it.  Life still goes on, and nothing lasts forever.  It’s up to you as to how long you let things affect your life.  Take control.

I am Worried, and Broderline Scared.

It has been rumored for a couple of weeks now. But just recently those rumors found a foothold in the truth. You can’t believe everything you read online, but when the WallStreet Journal starts to report my company may be sold, that seems to be pretty compeling. Lets not forget about the hiring of Goldman Sacs, as the WSJ put it “that might as well have been a forsale sign”.

The loudest and strongest thing that keeps running through my head, is the fear of the unknown. What does that mean for me if the company gets sold? Thousands of questions are running through my head. What am I going to do?

I have 5 young kids that depend soully on my income. We already live pay check to pay check, and my student loan doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller.

Should I just stick it out and hope for the best, or should i start to look for a job elsewhere? UGH…..if only it where that easy.

Double Edge Sword

This morning Skye wanted to be held all morning long.  She wouldn’t sit and play while I was getting everyone dressed, which is a little out of her norm.  Then at daycare she started to cry, and held on tight when i tried to hand her to Ms. Deborah, her teacher.

I know that its just a transition period, but it still makes my heart heavy.  I feel like a horrible mom for having to take her there, but I would be an even more horrible mom if I didnt work and lived off the government.  It kinda seems like a double edge sword.

I hate that I feel the pressure to have it all.  What if I dont want it all?