Finally Me

Screenshot 2016-07-15 at 7.50.15 AM

Phew…..sigh……ok

 

I’m supposed to be thinking about who I am and what i want to do with my life.  I’m supposed to find my way.

This is the hardest thing I think i have ever done.  How can I find something if I don’t know what to look for?  If I don’t know what to look for, then how will I know where to look?  Better yet, how will i know when I’ve found it?

During those crucial years when most of my peers where out trying new things and finding their own way, I was becoming a mother.  From the minute I learned I was pregnant, my life was no longer than mine.  I had no more hopes, dreams, or desires. Every thought, every action was done for someone else.  Baby bottles replaced wine glasses.  Cosmopolitan no longer showed up in the mailbox, but copies of Parenting and Parents both came.  

Now they are slightly older, and but still young.  I am already concerned about what I will do when they no longer need me.  If ive done my job right, then one day they wont need me anymore.  What does that mean for me?  I don’t work.  I have nothing outside of the kids.  NOTHING.  Litterly they are present for everything, even at times when most people would have privacy like during showers.  If i dont do a kid activity, then I dont do an activity.  Then again, if I could do something What would I do?  

That is the million dollar question.  WHo am I?  WHat do I like?  What do I want to do?

I am so lost, and don’t even know how to find my way back.

I asked him to leave again.

leaving

He needs help, and I can’t give him that kind of help. The outbursts are becoming more frequent, and more violent. The kids are getting scared. I am preparing to leave him, but it’s extremely hard. Not just because of emotional reasons, but for every other reason.

I could describe his outbursts, or tell you how many times he spit on me. He even put me in a head lock today. A few days before this, he got made because our 9 month old woke him up. So he threw cups against the wall and broke them at 4 in the morning. My oldest came downstairs, and wanted to know if I was ok. She said she hid the other kids in the closet just in case. She is only 10.

We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed since we moved into the house in September. At first it was because we didn’t have a bed, we were sleeping on the couch. Now that we do have a bed, he doesn’t sleep in it.

We don’t do anything together. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I slapped him the other day. I only did it because I thought he was going after our daughter. So I slapped him in the face with the strength I had never felt before just to make him stop.

This morning Bash tried to tell our daughter not to tell school about what happened with the headlock because then he and I would both go to jail. He was trying to intimidate her. And it worked.

I can’t let this abuse go on. I have worked on myself, because I actually believed that it was my entire fault. I know now that it’s not, and I need to get out, But how. I am not strong enough to physically make him leave, and he is refusing to leave. He has nothing without me. That’s part of the problem; he is too dependent on me to support him.

This isn’t the man I married, he was perfect when we meet. He wouldn’t even curse around me in the beginning. Then we started to have kids, and he stopped taking his medication. I finally convinced him to go back to counseling, but even that was short-lived.

I believe in my wedding vows, and keep telling myself that he is just sick, and that he is truly a good person. In sickness and in health. But how much longer can I go on? At what point does it stop being about his illness, and become abuse? I wish I knew where to go, or someone I could talk to. No one understands.

 

Life is a gray area.

One of the most important things that I hope I taught you is that Life is a Gray Area. Its messy and doesn’t fit neatly into anything. There are very few if any issues that fit neatly into the black and white category. Everything is based upon the situation and the people involved. For instance it’s wrong to commit murder and that is undeniable true. However what if someone was hurting a loved one, say kids perhaps and the only way you could stop it was to kill that person. Is that still wrong, to kill someone in order to save someone else? I can tell you that I am against murder, but at the same time I would absolutely kill anyone if they ever hurt either one of you. That is a definite gray area, and that’s where I live.

I didn’t always live in that gray area. I used to think that life was cut and dry. There was right and moral, and then there was the wrong and evil. I lived like that for many years as a child and into adulthood. Then the bubble my parents (you’re grandparents) tried to raise me in suddenly popped on day. I was devastated, and in disbelief. I seriously think that it contributed to my downward spiral. The spiral that left me with such a huge climb back up.

It wasn’t really my parents fault. They did the best that they know how with what they were given. I was just sheltered a little too much, because I don’t feel like I was ready for the real world. Maybe it was my own fault, and I went into the real world too soon. Who knows, but either way I tried/am trying to prevent that from happening to you. I want you to be informed and prepared for whatever life throws at you. Some people, even you own aunts and uncles, said that you were to young and I shouldn’t tell you those things. I always told you the honest truth in an age appropriate way, and always tried to keep the lines of communication open. I wanted you to know that if ever had a question or doubt about anything, that you could come to me and get an honest answer. It may not be an answer that you like, but it will be as honest and truthful as I know it to be.

Do you remember when your Aunt was having a baby? Marie you came to me and asked me how the baby comes out of her body. This wasn’t the first time that you asked me that question. In fact, Paige had asked before too, I am pretty sure that it started when I was pregnant with your brother. At first I told you that I went to the hospital, fell asleep and when I woke up I had the baby. I know that is not entirely the truth, but Marie you were four years old at the time and Paige was two. When you got a little older and I became pregnant with Rose, you asked again. This time you were six, and four. I gave slightly more detail but still not the complete truth. I told the truth about how the baby gets out the mommies belly after your Aunt had your cousin. Even then I didn’t give too much detail, but said that the baby comes out of your private parts. Marie you were seven and kind of grossed out about it, but never asked about it again. I think that I did the right thing and told you as much truth as I could without giving away too much information.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that she and dad wanted a baby real bad so one night they prayed really hard to God for him to give them a baby and he did. That was it, no explanation no nothing; Just a prayer.   That left me with more questions than answers. I eventually got my answers, but not from the safe confines of my mother. I think I learned about that kind of stuff from TV, and other people.

I’m rambling now, but the whole point I was trying to make is that life is complicated and shady. What you have come to believe as fair and just in one situation, may not necessarily be true the next time.

Faced with Difficult Decisions…

Faced with difficult decisions people sometimes do things they normally wouldn’t do.

Take a desperate mother trying anything and everything to feed her kids for example. She is faced with the option to either steal food, or let her innocent babies go hungry. Other parents may decide to become a stripper or a prostitute. I am not saying that I have stolen, or been a stripper, to support my family, but I have entertained the idea of it. I used to tell Bash that if I didn’t have so many stretch marks from being pregnant, and had if I had rhythm, then I would totally be a stripper. The point is, desperate people will do desperate things.

I used to have to donate plasma in order to get money for gas, or diapers, or food, and only if absolutely necessary. That in itself isn’t really that bad. You are monitored by trained professionals, and the plasma really helps people. What made it bad for me, was the fact that I am anemic and my veins are hard to hit. One instance of donating plasma really stands out in my mind. After what seemed like a forever long time, it was finally my turn. The technician had to dig in order to find the vein. Then she accidently went all the way through my vein. I was bleeding under my skin. It looked horrible, and made me look like a drug addict.  I felt so embarrased that I didnt even want to be seen in public.  I have never been back.  One Saturday, Bash donated plasma so that I could have money to buy Paige a birthday present. I will never forget what he did  for her.

In my time I have done things that I am not proud of. However I don’t regret any of those things, because they were done in the best interest of my family.

Hard to believe……

I still can’t believe it.  What once seemed like such a far destination is now at my door step.  I know that I should be happy and that this is a natural progression of life.  Truthfully i am happy, but at the same time there is a bitter sadness.

My oldest daughter graduates from elementary school tomorrow.  She will soon be embarking on a fantastic journey.  One of self discovery, and a new awareness of the world around her.  There will be so many firsts, and not all of them will be good.  I think she is more ready than I am, but I can’t let her know that.

If I could tell her one thing, or give her only one piece of advice it would be this;  Remember, this too shall pass.    I know sometimes that you are going to feel like it’s the end of the world as you know it.  Life still goes on, and nothing lasts forever.  It’s up to you as to how long you let things affect your life.  Take control.

I am Worried, and Broderline Scared.

It has been rumored for a couple of weeks now. But just recently those rumors found a foothold in the truth. You can’t believe everything you read online, but when the WallStreet Journal starts to report my company may be sold, that seems to be pretty compeling. Lets not forget about the hiring of Goldman Sacs, as the WSJ put it “that might as well have been a forsale sign”.

The loudest and strongest thing that keeps running through my head, is the fear of the unknown. What does that mean for me if the company gets sold? Thousands of questions are running through my head. What am I going to do?

I have 5 young kids that depend soully on my income. We already live pay check to pay check, and my student loan doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller.

Should I just stick it out and hope for the best, or should i start to look for a job elsewhere? UGH…..if only it where that easy.