Who am I?

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This has been the hardest thing to write.

Who am I?  I don’t think that I know.

It looks like we will be finding out together.     .

On this journey to find myself, I am going to start with what I know I am.

  • I am a mother.
  • I am a wife.
  • I am a daughter.
  • I am a sister.

1. If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?

For me it all depends on what the forbidden thing is, and why i initially wanted to it to begin with.  If i had to pick one, then I would say that Yes, i do tend to want things more if they are forbidden.

2. Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? An area where you feel especially in control?

My entire life feels out of control right now, and has for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, I dont really feel in control of anything.

3. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?

Now that I am older, i am more comfortable in an orderly environment.  If the area or environment is disorderly, than I just keep noticing and thinking about what needs to be done.

4.  If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?

  Stay tuned for more updates…

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Finally Me

Screenshot 2016-07-15 at 7.50.15 AM

Phew…..sigh……ok

 

I’m supposed to be thinking about who I am and what i want to do with my life.  I’m supposed to find my way.

This is the hardest thing I think i have ever done.  How can I find something if I don’t know what to look for?  If I don’t know what to look for, then how will I know where to look?  Better yet, how will i know when I’ve found it?

During those crucial years when most of my peers where out trying new things and finding their own way, I was becoming a mother.  From the minute I learned I was pregnant, my life was no longer than mine.  I had no more hopes, dreams, or desires. Every thought, every action was done for someone else.  Baby bottles replaced wine glasses.  Cosmopolitan no longer showed up in the mailbox, but copies of Parenting and Parents both came.  

Now they are slightly older, and but still young.  I am already concerned about what I will do when they no longer need me.  If ive done my job right, then one day they wont need me anymore.  What does that mean for me?  I don’t work.  I have nothing outside of the kids.  NOTHING.  Litterly they are present for everything, even at times when most people would have privacy like during showers.  If i dont do a kid activity, then I dont do an activity.  Then again, if I could do something What would I do?  

That is the million dollar question.  WHo am I?  WHat do I like?  What do I want to do?

I am so lost, and don’t even know how to find my way back.