Finally Me

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Phew…..sigh……ok

 

I’m supposed to be thinking about who I am and what i want to do with my life.  I’m supposed to find my way.

This is the hardest thing I think i have ever done.  How can I find something if I don’t know what to look for?  If I don’t know what to look for, then how will I know where to look?  Better yet, how will i know when I’ve found it?

During those crucial years when most of my peers where out trying new things and finding their own way, I was becoming a mother.  From the minute I learned I was pregnant, my life was no longer than mine.  I had no more hopes, dreams, or desires. Every thought, every action was done for someone else.  Baby bottles replaced wine glasses.  Cosmopolitan no longer showed up in the mailbox, but copies of Parenting and Parents both came.  

Now they are slightly older, and but still young.  I am already concerned about what I will do when they no longer need me.  If ive done my job right, then one day they wont need me anymore.  What does that mean for me?  I don’t work.  I have nothing outside of the kids.  NOTHING.  Litterly they are present for everything, even at times when most people would have privacy like during showers.  If i dont do a kid activity, then I dont do an activity.  Then again, if I could do something What would I do?  

That is the million dollar question.  WHo am I?  WHat do I like?  What do I want to do?

I am so lost, and don’t even know how to find my way back.

It finally happened.

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It finally happened.

The Escalation.

I had been expecting it for some time now.  In my head I knew it would come, but my heart still hoped that it wouldn’t.

As usual, the rational thinking proved to be right, even tho I have made a habit out of ignoring it.

I was an idiot to believe that I could prevent it, especially since I am forever told the cause.

It seems reasonable that the cause can stop the effect.

Right?

 

I asked him to leave again.

leaving

He needs help, and I can’t give him that kind of help. The outbursts are becoming more frequent, and more violent. The kids are getting scared. I am preparing to leave him, but it’s extremely hard. Not just because of emotional reasons, but for every other reason.

I could describe his outbursts, or tell you how many times he spit on me. He even put me in a head lock today. A few days before this, he got made because our 9 month old woke him up. So he threw cups against the wall and broke them at 4 in the morning. My oldest came downstairs, and wanted to know if I was ok. She said she hid the other kids in the closet just in case. She is only 10.

We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed since we moved into the house in September. At first it was because we didn’t have a bed, we were sleeping on the couch. Now that we do have a bed, he doesn’t sleep in it.

We don’t do anything together. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I slapped him the other day. I only did it because I thought he was going after our daughter. So I slapped him in the face with the strength I had never felt before just to make him stop.

This morning Bash tried to tell our daughter not to tell school about what happened with the headlock because then he and I would both go to jail. He was trying to intimidate her. And it worked.

I can’t let this abuse go on. I have worked on myself, because I actually believed that it was my entire fault. I know now that it’s not, and I need to get out, But how. I am not strong enough to physically make him leave, and he is refusing to leave. He has nothing without me. That’s part of the problem; he is too dependent on me to support him.

This isn’t the man I married, he was perfect when we meet. He wouldn’t even curse around me in the beginning. Then we started to have kids, and he stopped taking his medication. I finally convinced him to go back to counseling, but even that was short-lived.

I believe in my wedding vows, and keep telling myself that he is just sick, and that he is truly a good person. In sickness and in health. But how much longer can I go on? At what point does it stop being about his illness, and become abuse? I wish I knew where to go, or someone I could talk to. No one understands.