Is it bad to tell…

Is it bad to tell your husband that you hate him?

I told Bash just that. It’s not that I want to hate him; in fact it’s the opposite. I want so badly to love him, but the truth is I just can’t. More times than not I feel like he is unlovable. I don’t know when it started exactly, but I am pretty sure that the feeling has been here for a while.

Today I just reached my breaking point and I had to let it out. In all actuality I do feel better having said it. As the cliché goes, “I feel as if a weight has been lifted”. In my case, I feel like I have broken free from one of the concrete blocks holding me under water.   I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t take it anymore. I absolutely hate the person that lives in my husband’s body. It’s not the same person that I meet and fell in love with.

When I brought this up to his attention, he said that this is who he is, and that the person I meet was the imposter. He was just pretending to be this way. SERIOUSLY!! How am I supposed to take that?

The person that I meet, he was amazing! I thought that I had struck gold when I fell in love with him. Now that person is a mean, vindictive, and selfish person. Even his appearance is different. He went from GQ to a wannabe gangsta.

But it’s really deeply more than his appearance. Our relationship has become like a dump for toxic waste. He calls me vulgar names in front of the kids, and rushes me like he is going to hit me as he threatens me with violence. He knows that it makes me flinch, but does it anyway. He even spits on me and throws things at me.   Most days I feel so low and degraded and embarrassed. Most of the time, the kids are home when these things happen, sometimes they even ask me why he is so mean to me.

The kids aren’t safe from his abuse either. Especially Marie and Paige; He makes fun of Paige and her medical condition even though there is nothing she can do about it.   He constantly picks on them and laughs like a teenager bullying another child. I intervene as much as possible, but that just makes him even madder, but at least it redirects his abuse away from the kids. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I just cry and cry. As much as I hate to admit it, I have even seriously contemplated suicide. I seriously felt that there was no other way to escape.

I was doing great before I meet him. But he has done nothing but brings me down and decreases the quality of my life, and the life of my kids. I know all of this is not solely his fault; I am just as bad for letting it happen. Sometimes I would just go along things because I didn’t want to make him mad. He even goes as far as to tell me that he can understand why my ex-boyfriend would hit me.

The sad thing is that beyond all of that, I still want so bad to be in love with him the way I used to. I want him to be as in love with me the way he used to. Sometimes I sit and wonder what is so wrong with me that I would be in 2 separate relationships, and both of them ended in abuse and intimidation. Maybe he is right and it is my entire fault.

Advertisement

Life is a gray area.

One of the most important things that I hope I taught you is that Life is a Gray Area. Its messy and doesn’t fit neatly into anything. There are very few if any issues that fit neatly into the black and white category. Everything is based upon the situation and the people involved. For instance it’s wrong to commit murder and that is undeniable true. However what if someone was hurting a loved one, say kids perhaps and the only way you could stop it was to kill that person. Is that still wrong, to kill someone in order to save someone else? I can tell you that I am against murder, but at the same time I would absolutely kill anyone if they ever hurt either one of you. That is a definite gray area, and that’s where I live.

I didn’t always live in that gray area. I used to think that life was cut and dry. There was right and moral, and then there was the wrong and evil. I lived like that for many years as a child and into adulthood. Then the bubble my parents (you’re grandparents) tried to raise me in suddenly popped on day. I was devastated, and in disbelief. I seriously think that it contributed to my downward spiral. The spiral that left me with such a huge climb back up.

It wasn’t really my parents fault. They did the best that they know how with what they were given. I was just sheltered a little too much, because I don’t feel like I was ready for the real world. Maybe it was my own fault, and I went into the real world too soon. Who knows, but either way I tried/am trying to prevent that from happening to you. I want you to be informed and prepared for whatever life throws at you. Some people, even you own aunts and uncles, said that you were to young and I shouldn’t tell you those things. I always told you the honest truth in an age appropriate way, and always tried to keep the lines of communication open. I wanted you to know that if ever had a question or doubt about anything, that you could come to me and get an honest answer. It may not be an answer that you like, but it will be as honest and truthful as I know it to be.

Do you remember when your Aunt was having a baby? Marie you came to me and asked me how the baby comes out of her body. This wasn’t the first time that you asked me that question. In fact, Paige had asked before too, I am pretty sure that it started when I was pregnant with your brother. At first I told you that I went to the hospital, fell asleep and when I woke up I had the baby. I know that is not entirely the truth, but Marie you were four years old at the time and Paige was two. When you got a little older and I became pregnant with Rose, you asked again. This time you were six, and four. I gave slightly more detail but still not the complete truth. I told the truth about how the baby gets out the mommies belly after your Aunt had your cousin. Even then I didn’t give too much detail, but said that the baby comes out of your private parts. Marie you were seven and kind of grossed out about it, but never asked about it again. I think that I did the right thing and told you as much truth as I could without giving away too much information.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that she and dad wanted a baby real bad so one night they prayed really hard to God for him to give them a baby and he did. That was it, no explanation no nothing; Just a prayer.   That left me with more questions than answers. I eventually got my answers, but not from the safe confines of my mother. I think I learned about that kind of stuff from TV, and other people.

I’m rambling now, but the whole point I was trying to make is that life is complicated and shady. What you have come to believe as fair and just in one situation, may not necessarily be true the next time.

Faced with Difficult Decisions…

Faced with difficult decisions people sometimes do things they normally wouldn’t do.

Take a desperate mother trying anything and everything to feed her kids for example. She is faced with the option to either steal food, or let her innocent babies go hungry. Other parents may decide to become a stripper or a prostitute. I am not saying that I have stolen, or been a stripper, to support my family, but I have entertained the idea of it. I used to tell Bash that if I didn’t have so many stretch marks from being pregnant, and had if I had rhythm, then I would totally be a stripper. The point is, desperate people will do desperate things.

I used to have to donate plasma in order to get money for gas, or diapers, or food, and only if absolutely necessary. That in itself isn’t really that bad. You are monitored by trained professionals, and the plasma really helps people. What made it bad for me, was the fact that I am anemic and my veins are hard to hit. One instance of donating plasma really stands out in my mind. After what seemed like a forever long time, it was finally my turn. The technician had to dig in order to find the vein. Then she accidently went all the way through my vein. I was bleeding under my skin. It looked horrible, and made me look like a drug addict.  I felt so embarrased that I didnt even want to be seen in public.  I have never been back.  One Saturday, Bash donated plasma so that I could have money to buy Paige a birthday present. I will never forget what he did  for her.

In my time I have done things that I am not proud of. However I don’t regret any of those things, because they were done in the best interest of my family.

Moms thoughts -vs- Childs thoughts on Graduation

I think that most parents can relate to this…….

 

This is what I picture when i think about my daughter graduating.

and this is probable what my daughter thinks of..

Hard to believe……

I still can’t believe it.  What once seemed like such a far destination is now at my door step.  I know that I should be happy and that this is a natural progression of life.  Truthfully i am happy, but at the same time there is a bitter sadness.

My oldest daughter graduates from elementary school tomorrow.  She will soon be embarking on a fantastic journey.  One of self discovery, and a new awareness of the world around her.  There will be so many firsts, and not all of them will be good.  I think she is more ready than I am, but I can’t let her know that.

If I could tell her one thing, or give her only one piece of advice it would be this;  Remember, this too shall pass.    I know sometimes that you are going to feel like it’s the end of the world as you know it.  Life still goes on, and nothing lasts forever.  It’s up to you as to how long you let things affect your life.  Take control.

I am Worried, and Broderline Scared.

It has been rumored for a couple of weeks now. But just recently those rumors found a foothold in the truth. You can’t believe everything you read online, but when the WallStreet Journal starts to report my company may be sold, that seems to be pretty compeling. Lets not forget about the hiring of Goldman Sacs, as the WSJ put it “that might as well have been a forsale sign”.

The loudest and strongest thing that keeps running through my head, is the fear of the unknown. What does that mean for me if the company gets sold? Thousands of questions are running through my head. What am I going to do?

I have 5 young kids that depend soully on my income. We already live pay check to pay check, and my student loan doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller.

Should I just stick it out and hope for the best, or should i start to look for a job elsewhere? UGH…..if only it where that easy.

That’s the kind of love that I wish for you.

That’s how I felt when I first saw him. I thought he was so gorgeous and was so out of my league that I didn’t even consider talking to him. He was tall with dark features, and I could tell that he was a little older. I remember that he was wearing a band t-shirt and made it look sophisticated. At first I tried not to notice him, but that was easier said than done.

His hair was the blackest black that I had ever seen, and it was fixed just perfect. His eyes spoke of intrigue and wisdom. Those lips that sat just above his masculine jaw were something out of a magazine. They weren’t too big or too small, just big enough to kiss, but not too big to make kissing sloppy. (I always hated sloppy kisses.) The sun-kissed color of his skin reminded me of the guys I would see in the Abercrombie and Fitch commercials that I would always see on TV. There was just the right amount of togetherness that he looked kept, without looking feminine. At the same time appearing cool and calm wearing his Lynard Skynard t-shirt and drinking a beer. He seemed to be everything that I was looking for.

I just knew that he was not going to be interested in a girl like me. He was sophisticated and attractive, charming and funny, mature and relaxed. I felt that I was none of those things, and add in the fact that I was divorced and had already had two kids at my young age of 22. Who in their right mind would want to deal with someone in my situation?   Then the completely unimaginable happened. He actually talked to me first! I was a little drunk at the time, and can’t remember what he first said to me, but I remember without a doubt the very first thing that I said to him.

“I am divorced with 2 kids; Now what?”

By this time I was at a point in my life where I had decided what I was and wasn’t willing to accept any more, especially when it came to men. I was finally starting to realize that I was pretty, and men seemed to be attracted to me. Even if they weren’t, I was okay being a single mom of two wonderful little girls. I was finally happy in my life.

To my surprise he said that he was also divorced, but didn’t have any kids. I was still skeptical, and tried to play it cool. At one point I was walking out of the lady’s room at the bar and noticed that he was watching me. I tried to make eye contact and walk using my sexiest walk I could possible manage. While I was trying so hard to concentrate, I never bothered to look for tables or chairs that may have been in my path. Bam! I walked smack into the edge of a table! I tried to play it off as gracefully as I could. I acted like I hadn’t noticed that I walked into a table with such force that the whole table shook, and hoped that he hadn’t noticed either.

A short time later we exchanged phone numbers. The rest as they say, is history!

That’s the kind of love that I wish for you.  I was never truly sure if I believed in love at first sight, but I became a believer that night; a believer in the kind of love that makes you fearless and afraid all at the same time.

When I saw you I was afraid to meet you.

When I saw you I was afraid to meet you. When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you.

–Anonymous

Double Edge Sword

This morning Skye wanted to be held all morning long.  She wouldn’t sit and play while I was getting everyone dressed, which is a little out of her norm.  Then at daycare she started to cry, and held on tight when i tried to hand her to Ms. Deborah, her teacher.

I know that its just a transition period, but it still makes my heart heavy.  I feel like a horrible mom for having to take her there, but I would be an even more horrible mom if I didnt work and lived off the government.  It kinda seems like a double edge sword.

I hate that I feel the pressure to have it all.  What if I dont want it all?