He needs help, and I can’t give him that kind of help. The outbursts are becoming more frequent, and more violent. The kids are getting scared. I am preparing to leave him, but it’s extremely hard. Not just because of emotional reasons, but for every other reason.
I could describe his outbursts, or tell you how many times he spit on me. He even put me in a head lock today. A few days before this, he got made because our 9 month old woke him up. So he threw cups against the wall and broke them at 4 in the morning. My oldest came downstairs, and wanted to know if I was ok. She said she hid the other kids in the closet just in case. She is only 10.
We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed since we moved into the house in September. At first it was because we didn’t have a bed, we were sleeping on the couch. Now that we do have a bed, he doesn’t sleep in it.
We don’t do anything together. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I slapped him the other day. I only did it because I thought he was going after our daughter. So I slapped him in the face with the strength I had never felt before just to make him stop.
This morning Bash tried to tell our daughter not to tell school about what happened with the headlock because then he and I would both go to jail. He was trying to intimidate her. And it worked.
I can’t let this abuse go on. I have worked on myself, because I actually believed that it was my entire fault. I know now that it’s not, and I need to get out, But how. I am not strong enough to physically make him leave, and he is refusing to leave. He has nothing without me. That’s part of the problem; he is too dependent on me to support him.
This isn’t the man I married, he was perfect when we meet. He wouldn’t even curse around me in the beginning. Then we started to have kids, and he stopped taking his medication. I finally convinced him to go back to counseling, but even that was short-lived.
I believe in my wedding vows, and keep telling myself that he is just sick, and that he is truly a good person. In sickness and in health. But how much longer can I go on? At what point does it stop being about his illness, and become abuse? I wish I knew where to go, or someone I could talk to. No one understands.
The Lady Who Lived In A Shoe 