Who am I?

This has been the hardest thing to write.

Who am I?  I don’t think that I know.

It looks like we will be finding out together.     .

On this journey to find myself, I am going to start with what I know I am.

• I am a mother.
• I am a wife.
• I am a daughter.
• I am a sister.

1. If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?

For me it all depends on what the forbidden thing is, and why i initially wanted to it to begin with.  If i had to pick one, then I would say that Yes, i do tend to want things more if they are forbidden.

2. Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? An area where you feel especially in control?

My entire life feels out of control right now, and has for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, I dont really feel in control of anything.

3. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?

Now that I am older, i am more comfortable in an orderly environment.  If the area or environment is disorderly, than I just keep noticing and thinking about what needs to be done.

4.  If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?

  Stay tuned for more updates…

Finally Me

Phew…..sigh……ok

 

I’m supposed to be thinking about who I am and what i want to do with my life.  I’m supposed to find my way.

This is the hardest thing I think i have ever done.  How can I find something if I don’t know what to look for?  If I don’t know what to look for, then how will I know where to look?  Better yet, how will i know when I’ve found it?

During those crucial years when most of my peers where out trying new things and finding their own way, I was becoming a mother.  From the minute I learned I was pregnant, my life was no longer than mine.  I had no more hopes, dreams, or desires. Every thought, every action was done for someone else.  Baby bottles replaced wine glasses.  Cosmopolitan no longer showed up in the mailbox, but copies of Parenting and Parents both came.  

Now they are slightly older, and but still young.  I am already concerned about what I will do when they no longer need me.  If ive done my job right, then one day they wont need me anymore.  What does that mean for me?  I don’t work.  I have nothing outside of the kids.  NOTHING.  Litterly they are present for everything, even at times when most people would have privacy like during showers.  If i dont do a kid activity, then I dont do an activity.  Then again, if I could do something What would I do?  

That is the million dollar question.  WHo am I?  WHat do I like?  What do I want to do?

I am so lost, and don’t even know how to find my way back.

Breaks Over!!

Being Me

“I do not care so much what I am to others as I care what I am to myself.”

~ Michel de Montaigne

Hot Diggitty Dogs!

I have got to try this!

Color & Light for your Life

http://www.freerepublic.com

Not sure what to bring to that 4th of July picnic? This recipe is tasty, easy and a sure-fire “hit.”

• 1/4 cup chopped onions
• 1 TBSP oil
• 1 cup ketchup
• 1/2 cup water
• 1/2 cup chopped celery
• 1/4 cup lemon juice
• 3 TBSP Worcestershire sauce
• 2 TBSP brown sugar
• 2 TBSP vinegar
• 1 1/2 tsp mustard
• 1/4 tsp salt
• pepper and dried red pepper to taste
• LARGE, QUALITY DINNER BEEF FRANKS

Heat oven to 350*

In medium wrought iron (or oven safe) pan with sides, sauté onion and celery until translucent.

Add all other ingredients except for franks.

Bring mixture to a boil, then simmer on low for about 30 minutes.

Slice each frank diagonally about 1/3 way through in a few places.

Snuggle franks into sauce and bake in oven for about 30 mins.

Serve right in pan with spoon for ladling extra sauce on top.. OR place…

View original post 36 more words

It finally happened.

It finally happened.

The Escalation.

I had been expecting it for some time now.  In my head I knew it would come, but my heart still hoped that it wouldn’t.

As usual, the rational thinking proved to be right, even tho I have made a habit out of ignoring it.

I was an idiot to believe that I could prevent it, especially since I am forever told the cause.

It seems reasonable that the cause can stop the effect.

Right?

 

I asked him to leave again.

He needs help, and I can’t give him that kind of help. The outbursts are becoming more frequent, and more violent. The kids are getting scared. I am preparing to leave him, but it’s extremely hard. Not just because of emotional reasons, but for every other reason.

I could describe his outbursts, or tell you how many times he spit on me. He even put me in a head lock today. A few days before this, he got made because our 9 month old woke him up. So he threw cups against the wall and broke them at 4 in the morning. My oldest came downstairs, and wanted to know if I was ok. She said she hid the other kids in the closet just in case. She is only 10.

We haven’t been sleeping in the same bed since we moved into the house in September. At first it was because we didn’t have a bed, we were sleeping on the couch. Now that we do have a bed, he doesn’t sleep in it.

We don’t do anything together. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I slapped him the other day. I only did it because I thought he was going after our daughter. So I slapped him in the face with the strength I had never felt before just to make him stop.

This morning Bash tried to tell our daughter not to tell school about what happened with the headlock because then he and I would both go to jail. He was trying to intimidate her. And it worked.

I can’t let this abuse go on. I have worked on myself, because I actually believed that it was my entire fault. I know now that it’s not, and I need to get out, But how. I am not strong enough to physically make him leave, and he is refusing to leave. He has nothing without me. That’s part of the problem; he is too dependent on me to support him.

This isn’t the man I married, he was perfect when we meet. He wouldn’t even curse around me in the beginning. Then we started to have kids, and he stopped taking his medication. I finally convinced him to go back to counseling, but even that was short-lived.

I believe in my wedding vows, and keep telling myself that he is just sick, and that he is truly a good person. In sickness and in health. But how much longer can I go on? At what point does it stop being about his illness, and become abuse? I wish I knew where to go, or someone I could talk to. No one understands.

 

Minutes of Thoughts

The fear is real.
Only days left.
Not enough time.

I can’t think but my mind still racing.   There has got to be a way.
I can’t give up!!
I must find a way!!!!!
Deep breath…. Deep breath
Tomorrow is another day

Birth of an Ember

This hits so close to home.

Portraits of a Ghost

My ghost is waning, these days. There’s a flicker of hope, somewhere inside, and it’s fighting to find oxygen. It’s starting to catch, an ember, a glow. If it takes a good deep breath, perhaps I can extinguish the ghost, for now.

View original post 827 more words

I really hate judgmental people.

 

Today at work we were talking about coworkers due date, and then someone mentioned that I had 4 kids.

Another wonderful coworker of mine, we will call her Wanda the Witch, said “How did you do that?”

I was kinda stunned and not sure how to answer the question. Then that same coworker asked the ages of my kids. I told her their ages and pointed out the fact that they were all 2 years apart. I mentioned the fact that people usually judge me when they found out I have 4 kids, and mainly they assume that I was a teen mom because I look so young. Wanda the Witch then said “Close enough, you might as well have been a teen mom”.

That’s ridiculous! Who says stuff like that, and more importantly why can’t I just be proud of the wonderful mother that I am regardless of my age?

This wasn’t the first time that I have been judge like this, and I guarantee that it won’t be the last.

Kids, if I teach you nothing else, please, please do not judge someone until you have lived in their shoes. Try to understand where people are coming from and what may have or have not motivated them.

Various media outlets claim to be fair and accurate, but in reality no one can ever be 100% fair or accurate.

Life is more than just a series of facts. There are tons of factors that come into play.